being in love sucks i want to run away to other countries and do gap year stuff until I forget about everything ??? im scared and sad I need to get a job and be busy

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i hve no job ive put on weight n im sooo gross i have no medical support i have noooo motivation and usually it doesn’t matter but I can’t talk to the boy im in love with :-(
I want to just get drunk or high and not care all the time :-(
I want to talk to dean but I can’t :-(
I miss him and I can’t let myself tell him :-(
this fxukin sucks